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It's Best to Start Somewhere

Updated: Sep 11, 2023

Today is the first day where I finally felt like I could start writing. There is nothing particularly special about today, just that I felt inspired to pen my thoughts. I feel since entering into my 40's there has been an incredible sift in my own energy and way of thinking, and as a part of this I have decided to do more things I would normally not, blogging being one of them.

I have spent the past decade feeling overwhelmed, like I am constantly treading water to only barely keep my head above water. I have realized a lot of that came from judgement--judgement of myself and judgement of others. Since turning 40, a lot of my inner dialogue has changed to, "who gives a shit." I find this mantra to be incredibly freeing for the reason that judgement doesn't help me better myself and other people's judgement is none of my business. I have found that saying more "who gives a shit?!?" has really given me the time to pause and think.

I remember having a quarter life crisis in my twenties after I graduated and was a few years into my career. I did not really feel like I knew who I wanted to be when I grew up, and I was caught on this imaginary expectation of how life should look by a certain age...but my reality is none of that matters. I realize I do not have to have shit figured out in order to appreciate who I am. It is more important to learn how to dance and flow through the imperfections of life, rather than worrying about perfecting everything and getting it "right" all the time.

While I have only been in my forties for a short amount of time, I can say I am grateful to finally be here. I can look back on my life and appreciate the very full life I have lived so far. I am in no way shape or form where I thought I would have been, but I would not change a single thing! One of the things I have started doing is making time for friendships that fill my heart and soul. Some of this means more camping trips and sleep overs. In one of my last sleepovers I was sharing with a dear friend some of my stories from my past. It was crazy that this is a dear friend that has been in my life for the past seven years. She had no idea about the life I had lived prior to being a mom and it hit me, I have definitely shut the door to parts of my personality to buckle down and make a path forward as a single mom. My thirties were mainly spent working and busting my butt to advance in my career so I could do what is best for my son. While I appreciate all I have done, I realize I have lost a piece of who I am and what makes me happy.

I've learned through motherhood that I lost sight of myself a little while, and that is alright. I think that is perfectly normal territory that comes with being a parent. What I mean by that is I lost the fun parts of me and really took to heart perceived judgement of my parenting. While I am in no way a perfect mother, I have realized that all we can do is try and pay for therapy to fix the mistakes. I also realize I no longer am going to pay attention to those who only pass judgement while offering no help. I no longer have time for one way relationships in my life!

I have decided my forties will incorporate more vivaciousness! More filling my cup with people who make me giggle. More adventures; camping, off-roading, mindless drives at the last minute, lifting and more hiking!!! I am making time for things that fill my soul and I am taking time daily to do things that help me feel like me. I hope through this I can marry my younger, wilder-fun-self with the mom I have been. I want to bring more joy into my fun and take advantage of these last years of child rearing I have left before friends become life for my kiddo.

Here is to taking the risks, putting myself out there and pursing my passions! Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. May you have a beautiful day.

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